Finding The Right Man for You: Dating Advice For Women (Helpful Media): ISBN 978-0-578-04809-3 is available through Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com and any bookseller @$13.95. Frequently discounted to about $10.00.
And After "Finding The Right Man For You" Went To Press...
I can't tell you how many times I spoke with someone, or heard something within the last month or two of working on the book, that struck me as very appropriate to put into it to offer women support, insight, motivation or inspiration. Even as I spoke with the coordinator of copy editing for the book, we had a conversation where she gave me one of her insights that I thought was so good, I put it right in. (It's on pgs. 11-12.)
The time for adding anything else to the book is over, but I want these subsequent helpful thoughts to be available to you, so I've added this blog to pass on things that I hope will help you:
Change Your Geography
Sometimes it can help to move to greener pastures where there is a better proportion of men to women. The Daily Beast complied a list of "Best (Worst) Place To Meet Men". These were the top rated cities:
1. Atlanta
2. Boston
3. Seatlle
4. San Francisco
5. Minneapolis-St.Paul
6. Washington D.C.
7. Austin
8. Miami
9. San Diego
10. Denver
11. Portland, OR
12. Columbus, OH
Just One More Love
I wish I had run into this lady sooner, but it was about two days after the book's proofs were approved at the printer. She was about sixty and seemed content with her life, but she said what she really would like was "just one more love...I want to know what it felt like to be in love again." What a powerful hope. In my book, it's one I encourage women to believe.
I think it speaks for many women. It's one of the major reasons I started my dating advice website over eight years ago (www.DatingAdvice.us) and why I wrote Finding The Right Man For You: Dating Advice for Women, to help women find additional happiness in their lives and love, romance, and increased personal fulfillment in a marriage or committed partner relationship.
Don't think that this kind of thing is just for other people. It's for you too--and anyone else willing to follow the suggestions I've made in the book,as well as those that are readily available in many other dating advice books and websites. Like the yeast that makes bread rise, you have to be your own yeast to make your own dreams of finding a husband or partner come true. I believe it's possible for virtually any woman who develops a plan and works at it. I wouldn't have spent all the time I have developing the website and writing Finding The Right Man For You if I didn't.
"Lose The List"
I read about a woman who met a man, but decided that he wasn't "the one" because he didn't meet all the pre-set qualifications she had for the man of her dreams, so she stopped seeing him. Over three years later they reconnected and she realized that she had passed on someone really good. They started seeing each other again and got married. Her advice to women -- drop the list.
It's certainly sensible to define what kind of man you're looking for, but a list shouldn't get so long, or so exclusive, that it winds up reducing an already reduced pool of available men. An important chapter in Finding The Right Man for You has that title followed by "What To Look For". Twenty eight different considerations are mentioned. It's far better to look for things that last: character, commitment and honesty, and someone who let's you be yourself and likes it. That's far more important than excluding men for their height, religion or income, or because they are fashion challenged.
Go for what you like and what you want, but go for what's going to make a real long term difference in your life. Be careful about screening out men for things that don't really count for that much in the long run. Sometimes women never get off their exacting requirements, or get off them too late and miss out on someone who could really have made a difference in their lives. As the lady above said drop the list -- or at least be more flexible with it. Stubbornly sticking to a pre-set agenda is a great cause of loneliness in life. Don't let it happen to you. Ask yourself what really counts.
"Do You Think Too Much About Finding The Right Man
or Whether A Man Is Right For You?"On The CBS Sunday Morning Show I saw a feature called "Decisions, Decisions" presented by Susan Spencer. One of the thoughts suggested was that sometimes we just think too much, and that we should stop thinking so much and just go for it. The thought was that we probably thought about whatever the decisions are related to it quite a bit before, and so that's already factored in, without having to think things to death all over again.
Try to be more spontaneous. If you meet a nice man, start talking to him. Just be yourself. If something serendipitous happens, go with it, as long as it's not dangerous or won't hurt anybody else. Too often we find ourselves doing the same things the same way. No wonder the results wind up being the same. Do things differently. Add more spontaneity to your life. You'll enjoy it more -- and it might just lead to helping you find the right man for you.
The segment also showed an experiment with samples of jellies in a supermarket. One table had six to choose from, the other had twenty four. Many more people stopped at the table with more samples, but researchers found that fewer people actually made a choice at that table and made one more often at the one with fewer samples. Sometimes information overload gets so great that we just give up. So don't think that you are necessarily going to be more motivated if you have hundreds of possible choices of men. It might be better if the choices are among a more reasonable number of men.
Better Sex For Post-Menopausal Women
In "The New Science of Sensational Sex" from Prevention, also offered through AOL, it said that "a blood test and your gynecologist can determine if low testosterone is to blame" for reduced sexual interest and response. Although the FDA has not yet approved a testosterone gel specifically for women, many doctors simply prescribe the male version off-label or have a compound created by a pharmacist."
Certified sex researcher Beverly Whipple, PhD, professor emerita at Rutgers University and co-author of The Science of Orgasm, recommends ArginMax for Women, a nutritional supplement containing ginseng, gingko, multivitamins, and minerals. Science backs her up. "ArginMax increased sexual desire, including clitoral sensation and orgasm frequency, in several studies. In one, women taking the supplement daily for 4 weeks reported a 74% improvement in satisfaction with their sex lives. In another study, men taking the male version of ArginMax experienced similar results."
"The Real Reasons Women Under 30 Aren't Having Sex"- Katie Hintz-Zambrano on Lemondrop.com and AOL
In Finding The Right Man For You: Dating Advice For Women, I mentioned that sometimes women have a reduced interest in sex for medical reasons or due to lack of caring concern and intimacy from their partner. The article above mentions that young women between the ages of 18 and 30 are suffering from low libido at rates never seen before.
Causes mentioned were stress, media influences that make women feel as if they should be sexpots, the potential effect of birth control, the use of anti-depressants and worrying about things instead of focusing on the sex.
A researcher interviewed by Lemondrop.com said women should ask if lack of libido is "a problem for them or a problem because they think they are disappointing their partner. They should also look at what's changed in their lives: Am I tired? Am I stressed? Did I just have a baby? Often lifestyle behaviors are very strongly related to sex, but we really undervalue that. If you think your partner wants it more than you, talk to your partner. Sometimes he doesn't know, and it's fine. You can do something else together."
The expert also suggested some mental restructuring: "Sometimes when our partner's approach us we think, "Oh no, he wants sex again. All he ever wants is sex." And that's a negative story. But if you can replace that with a positive story like, "He thinks I'm so hot, he can't resist himself,' we find that those positive sexy stories can help women feel in the mood."
Medication was also suggested as a possibility for some women,"but I think it'd be a mistake if drugs were the first line of treatment because we have decades of knowledge that sex therapy works well and more cognitive techniques can work. Mostly these things are about relationships: If you don't feel loved or desired or special to your partner or they are condescending towards you, a pill is not going to work." It's also good to try to solve problems like this relationally, and in a real world way, rather than relying upon pharmaceutical solutions, if more natural means can work.
As I said in Finding The Right Man For You, how your partner treats you and his overall character should be carefully evaluated when you are dating. A caring partner is one you're probably going to be able to develop better intimacy with and also one you'll be more likely to be able to work out any sexual problems out with more successfully.
"Finding The Right Man": From "Life Lessons - EXPERTISE"
by Amy Bloom (from "Real Simple" Magazine), and author of Away and Where the God of Love Hangs Out
Ms. Bloom offers ten lessons in her article. I have selected several that I think are particularly germane to finding the right man:
SEX ALWAYS GIVES YOU AN ANSWER, ALTHOUGH NOT NECESSARILY THE ANSWER YOU WANT
It's possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn't be in your life at all...On the other hand, it's unlikely that a grown man, however nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first time you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will be vivid. " Relative to Finding The Right Man For You, this underscores what I said about sleeping with someone too soon. It can sometimes affect better judgment. It's also important again to look for kindness and character. Anyone who gives the least hint of being unkind and cruel should be dumped without delay.
MEAN DOESN'T GO AWAY
"Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans you and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go." As I mentioned in my book, watch how he treats others and speaks about them too. If it resembles what Ms. Bloom says, he's likely to act the same way toward you after all the heat dies down.
NO ONE'S PERFECT
The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing to do is not to look for someone flawless...but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you." Sometimes we have little patience with flaws of people we first meet, far less than we have those who we have been partnered with before. That can sometimes cause women to take a pass on men they should have taken a more serious look at.
It's also easy to forget that from the other person's perspective, we have them too. Everyone has faults. It's better to look for the most important things and to be more flexible about less important traits. A guy who "sweeps you off your feet" might also sweep your better judgment right along with it. Even a guy who seems "just perfect" at first is going to have faults too. Just make sure you're taking a realistic view at anyone you're thinking about when you're trying to find a husband or a partner, and stay flexible and realistic while you're doing it.
Finding the Right Man - How To Connect With A Man If You Want A Serious, Long-Lasting Relationship By Connie Ragen Green (From Ezine Articles)
Ms. Green offers some very sensible advice below on how to make a relationship work.
"Relationships do not have to be so difficult. If you are a woman looking for the right man, you may find it easier than you think to find true love. Men today are serious about finding a woman they can fall completely in love with for a lifetime. They are tired of the dating scene and are just waiting for a woman to come along that they can commit to for a life of bliss. Women need to keep some things in mind when trying to land that special guy:
•Be completely honest with a man when you first meet them. Any deception at all will be seen by the man as a red flag, and will kill any chance of romance in the future. If you have been in a troubled relationship in the past, have financial problems, or have anything else that you know will be important later on, just be honest and discuss it early on.
•Be open to his lifestyle, family and job. Even though you may be dreaming of meeting a doctor or a lawyer, realize that engineers, contractors and retail managers may be perfect for you. If you are hoping to meet someone with no family or friends, book a trip to another planet where you are more likely to find someone like that. Everyone has people in their life that they are used to spending time with. Give the new man in your life a chance to introduce you to his friends and family. You just may be pleasantly surprised.
•Make a list of what is most important to you and share it with your man as soon as is comfortable for both of you. You may be concerned with being with someone who has a high priority of staying healthy and fit or financial security may be higher on your list. Compare notes to see how compatible you really are.
There are enough available men for every woman who wants to be in a serious, committed relationship. Go to places where men are likely to be and soon you will find the man of your dreams. Writing about what you want in a man can be helpful in finding the right man."
Finding The Right Man: Leveling From The Start
One of my advisors on the book -- I had over a dozen women giving me helpful suggestions and experiences -- mentioned that she knew a woman who set a goal for herself to be married within a year.
She said she met someone and at the end of the first date she told him that she wasn't just interested in just going out, but in someone who was willing to work toward having a committed relationship. While this may run contrary to typical thinking,it makes a lot of sense. There is no sense in going out with someone for six months and getting more involved, only to find later than a man isn't going to be willing to make a serious commitment.
To some women it might seem as if it's "rushing things" to discuss things like this in the beginning of a dating relationship, and that it might "scare" a man away. But If he gets scared away that easily, trust me, he isn't the one. It makes a much more efficeint use of your time to be spending it with someone who it looks as if you can have a future with. You also don't want to be missing the opportunity to be going out with the right man by spending your time instead with someone where the relationship isn't going to go anywhere.
Maybe Your Thinking Is Keeping You From Finding The Right Man
Recently, I had the pleasure of attending The Bruno Bromke Memorial Lecture at The Pennsylvania College of Osteopathic Medicine (PCOM). The late Dr. Bromke was a microbiologist there who died about six years ago. He was married to my wife for ten years prior to his untimely passing. Each year his fine colleagues sponsor the Memorial Lecture in his honor. This year's speaker was Dr. Judith Beck, Director of The Beck Institute at The University of Pennsylvania, which specializes in psychological therapy and research. Dr. Beck's father is the well know psychologist Aaron Beck.
Dr. Beck's presentation was outstanding. I would recommend seeing her speak any time the opportunity presents itself. Her talk was on cognitive therapy, namely that how we think about situations influences how we respond to it, rather than the actual situation itself. The lecture covered some of the basics of cognitive therapy which I'll relate to trying to find a fulfilling relationship in your life.
At the outset, please realize that these are suggestions from a layperson, not a professional. Sometimes conversations with friends and family can help us to adjust our thinking and assist us in moving in more productive directions. Other times, one's thinking may need to be guided by professionals who can help us find a better way. I highly recommend seeing a professional for advice in helping to improve less than productive thinking with respect to starting a new relationship, particularly if someone is stuck in hurt and anger. There is no shame in it. We all need help with things during our lives. I've done it myself. Once our thinking improves, it's a lot easier to steer ourselves toward the goals we seek, rather than getting in out own way with defective thinking that impedes our progress.
Dr. Beck says that cognitive therapy helps people understand the thinking that makes them feel distressed and helps them to evaluate it more realistically when it becomes unrealistic. It trys to help the patient see all of reality and to counter more narrow thinking. This certainly would apply to women who have suffered pain through divorce or the loss of a spouse or partner: "I'll never get married again", I'm too old", "I can be unfaithful to my deceased husband", or similar thoughts. By realizing that your own life is valuable in and of itself, exclusive of your previous partner, it can help you move foward to find yourself and the good life that you should be living. Dr. Beck says that when we are troubled by a situation, it is helpful to examine whether there are more positive ways to look at it.
Dr. Beck said that it's important to try to "de-catastrosize" thoughts by asking ourselves what is the worst thing that can happen. (Included in this can be the not uncommon thought, "I'm never going to meet anybody." If someone keeps thinking that way, they probably won't You have to believe and act on it.) She suggested that coping card could be prepared so when a troubling situation arises, someone would have a ready antidote for dealing with the problem. She mentioned that it is also helpful to ask what the best thing that could happen would be and also what the most likely thing that would happen would be. What can we do to help the situation have a positive outcome? Certainly positive thinking and believing in ourselves and the future can help set us on a positive course.
Dr. Beck emphasized that even with therapy that home practice is required, taking small steps toward where you want to get. She said that eventually you need to become your own therapist .
It's also important to have a medical check first to see if there may possibly be some organic problem that's contributing to your situation. Sometimes it takes a combination of medical and therapeutic intervention to move forward. Dr. Beck noted that there also needs to be a strategy in place for relapse prevention, so if a situation rears up we are prepared to know how to handle it. That can easily happen when someone recalls a painful divorce, the loss of a spouse or bad dating expereinces. There is a need, she says, to understand in your gut what you know in your head which will help you act on what you need to do. It's very important to take steps foward, however small, if you hope to achieve whatever goal you have, whether it's finding a partner to share your life with, or something else that is important to you.
From ThinkExist.com - Sam Wilson 213
I couldn't agree with Sam more. What you want to find is a guy who really thinks you are something else --and treats you that way. You are special you know. There is no one else in the world like you. Find a man who feels that way about you:
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
